I’m a terrible flirt. Really, I am. I’ve got precisely one weapon in my flirting arsenal: a signature arm hitting move. All my friends know “the move” because it’s the only move I’ve got. But lately, I’ve found a new form of flirting and I’ve been doing it up big time.
Now before my Grandma Bea gets out her best gown (purchased from Loehmann’s no doubt #RIP) in hopes of a wedding, I must admit that this new form of flirting I’ve discovered has been with… the Paleo Diet. Sorry G’ma. Still love you lots though.
Just like a really great first date, the basic/surface level promises and appeal of going Paleo left me excited and intrigued. I’ve followed the lifestyle here and there. I’ve dabbled in reading Paleo books (some a few chapters, others from cover to cover- highly recommend “Eat the Yolks” by Liz Wolfe and “Why We Get Fat: And What To Do About It” by Gary Taubes) I’ve stalked some Paleo bloggers and in a moment of motivation found myself on an intense Paleo themed Instagram following spree.
But before I can fully commit to being in an “In a Relationship” status with Paleo, I need to be 1000% certain that my feelings are there. And by making sure my feelings are there I mean making sure that there are Paleo friendly foods that satisfy my sweet tooth cravings so that I don’t become a total bitch and hurt everyone else’s feelings on the regular. They say love makes you do crazy things but I have a very strong intuitive feeling that love-crazy has absolutely nothing on the crazy-crazy that I would become by taking sugar, grains and peanut butter away from me on a permanent basis.
And let it be known, it’s been said that I have a VERY strong intuition.
So like any normal person would do after a great first or second date, I did a little research on my prospective new companion. You know, to make sure I’m not being totally blindsided by some huge secret crazy factor that pops up down the road. And while I found out there are TONS of homemade Paleo treats out there on the interwebs and Instagram feeds, I just don’t have patience to go all ‘Betty Crocker does Paleo’ every single time a hankering for something sweet comes along. Sometimes you just need something decadent that doesn’t involve a blender, a box of cacao nibs or a huge mess to clean up after you’ve made your blender/cacao nibs concoction.
In other words, I need something packaged that doesn’t break the Paleo processed/sugary/packaged rules.
So in effort to determine if I can see myself going steady with Paleo, I tried out some of the yummiest sounding Paleo Treats out there. No mess. No baking. No freezing and waiting for something to set. No ordering some obscure ingredient. Just sweet sounding goodness that promises the good stuff without the sugary/bad for you hangover.
Enter: Paleo Treats.
They sounded like they would be just the match I was looking for. So a taste test was in order. It was a late night last night here in Detroit (I’m home visiting my parents) when I broke into these bad boys. One by one. Bite by bite. Treat by delicious treat. And what I learned was: if this is anything like what wedding cake tasting is like then I want like, sixteen weddings. #aretherepaleoweddingcakes?
THE MUSTANG BAR
INGREDIENTS: almond butter, coconut oil, walnuts, honey, almonds, raisins, pumpkin seeds, almond flour, coconut, vanilla, salt
TASTES LIKE: Truth be told I prefer my sweets to have
some vast amounts of chocolate. So I was prepared to like the Mustang Bar well, not at all. But one bite and I was proven wrong by the Paleo Treats gods. The sweetness of the honey against the crunchiness of the nuts paired with the perfect amount of salty pumpkin seeds and… salt, makes this one bar that needs no chocolate preceding it. #Eatit
INGREDIENTS: honey, cacao butter, almonds, raisins, cacao powder, pistachios, goji berries
TASTES LIKE: Chocolatey crunchy fruity goodness. You need to really like the texture of raisins because the goji berries and raisins offer a whole lot of chewiness to this chocolate mix. You also need to be okay with fruit in your chocolate (I am sometimes- other times not so much). I like raisins but being new to this whole Paleo thing means I’m pretty new to the super goji berry and wasn’t used to their flavor. However, the intense chocolate? Yeah, I’m into it.
INGREDIENTS: almond flour, roasted almond butter, coconut oil, honey, cacao butter, flax meal, dried unsweetened coconut, cacao powder, vanilla extract, salt.
TASTES LIKE: If going Paleo means I can swim in a bath of Banditos while being spoon fed Banditos by a hunky Bandito, then I’m all in. This treat is pure deliciousness. Just writing about it makes me feel the need to go… and… just… one… bite… okay I’m back.
My heart is yours, Mr. Bandito.
INGREDIENTS: honey, pecans, eggs, coconut oil, cacao powder, almond flour.
TASTES LIKE: These Brownie Bombs are the bomb-diggity. The bomb.com. The bombizzle. No really though, This bombastic Brownie Bomb really tastes like a real non-Paleo brownie only made with six very real ingredients. And THAT is da (brownie) bomb.
INGREDIENTS: shredded coconut, egg whites, honey, cacao powder, cacao nibs, vanilla extract.
TASTES LIKE: As a Jewish gal who grew up eating a lot of nasty Passover macaroons, this fabulousity really restores my faith that delish Passover desserts can in fact exist. And besides, anyone who knows anything good about life knows that coconut and chocolate mixed together is like Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake circa 2002: a perfect pairing that you never want to end. Sadly much like the tumultuous break up of Brit Brit and JT, this Mac Attack had to end. When I finished it. And not un-similar to the Spears/Timberlake breakup, I may have shed a tear (or ten) when I finally accepted that it was over.
After I sampled a bite of each I (reluctantly) offered to share with my parents to get their take. My Dad’s eyes lit up like a baby eating cake for the first time at his first birthday party when he bit into the Mustang and Cacao Now treats. He kept going back for more bites (until I went all 15 year old moody teenager on him and told him to back off).
My Mom was a fan of the Mac Attack. She’s coo-coo for coconuts like any good human should be. Also, moms are always right and she is most definitely right about loving the Mac Attack.
Sooo I’ve been convinced. Refined sugar free/grain free/paleo friendly treats do not mean they are void of deliciousness. And it’s looking like Paleo & I might be taking a step towards becoming exclusive. Not quite yet (I’m not that kind of girl) but it’s looking good. See Grandma, who said there has to be a wedding to have something exciting to look forward to?! You’re welcome.
And that’s a WRAP(er), Folks.